Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
