we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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