His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
