i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I feel like abortions should bother me more
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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