I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
