Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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