Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
