EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
All I want is dick and wine.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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