CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize