Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
