I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
