Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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