So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
