When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
