dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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