we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Too much gin, very little bucket
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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