Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
