Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
