I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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