I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
