Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Text me some of your sweat
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