i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
