so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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