I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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