where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
