'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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