Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I could fuck to npr.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
