I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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