she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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