My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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