I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
