question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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