I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
