Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
