he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
