Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
