I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
