Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
