My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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