You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
