my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Come share oat with me in your robe
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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