I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
