i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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