I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
