i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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