i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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