you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well I just put wine in my tea
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
