hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
