I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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