so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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