I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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