and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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