im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
