Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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