It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
