I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
True strength comes from lack of pants
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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