today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize