Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
