we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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