Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
