Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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