so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
