Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
